Is it so weird that I am indecisive on so many levels?
Like, can you believe it, I am a girl and I don't even know if I do get married someday, what kind of a wedding I'd like to have?
Like I can't even tell you what's my favorite colour.
YES, I can't tell you what I want!!!
I know I like strapless white wedding dresses, but I wouldn't be bothered if I don't get one, and I'd like it to be Islamically so.. and I'd prefer no music and actually I'd prefer no wedding at all (just a registration/nikah ceremony in a mosque attended by all and then they can get food within the mosque and that's it!). It'd probably be impossible to keep it so simple when it'd be the first wedding in our small family that lacks children... it must be my grandma's dream, my parents', my uncle & his wife's... pretty freaky!
I actually deep deep inside want to marry someone legally on paper and that's it, no meeting people and socializing and getting their blessings/congrats or inviting them over or bearing their interrogations or accepting their invites or anything. But that's inevitable when you're country/race/town is so social & hospitable.. and it's also inevitable since I'd like to follow the prophet's Sunnah !! =(
Oh, I don't want gold.. I want a very small amount of mahr but when I consider the amount both families would have to spend on the waleemahs, I think it'd be only be fair to take a sum that actually makes up for the troubles my family would have to go through..
I want to immediately leave after the aforementioned simple ceremony, but not for honeymoon.. just to go and live with the guy in a small house and not look at all like a bride..
So unfair on him it'd be if it so happens.. Every guy from my country would be dreaming of a bride who puts on makeup, henna, looks radiant and is very easy to spot as a new bride- and I want the complete opposite. It annoys me greatly to announce to the world that this guy wanted to have sex & children with me, and I said yes, and so have our families and society, and here we are and these are our first few days of marriage and we didn't know each other enough since we were never allowed to be together alone and here we are pretending to be shy like he just confessed he loves me and I didnt know it but I love him too or something.. :((((
I want to not have kids immediately and to make it clear and not sound like I am expecting him to do something.
Why do I say I am indecisive?
Because all these "i prefers " i mentioned can be thrown out of the window in an instant.
It's in my nature..
I don't really care..
I don't care about other people either- I only care about the people I love but unfortunately they do care about people.. So...
G2G . TTYL. TC